Since most of my writing projects are anything but funny these days, I decided that I needed an outlet for something that used to be the focus of so much of my writing: comedy. I will return to satire one of these days, but until then, here goes:
Funniest thing I have heard so far this year: “Old perverts don’t die, they just move outta town.” This was my partner’s response when I said to him, “old perverts in your area want to hug you.” My response to him is that this gem should be cross-stitched somewhere.
In my world, there are three options for where funny and/or disturbing sayings should go: a cross stitch sampler, a country song, or a children’s book. For example, “Who would you kill for a Klondike bar?” would make a perfectly wonderful disturbing children’s book, but might be even more disturbing as a cross stitch sampler. As a country song? Maybe a little too predictable… anyway, feel free to steal this idea for use among friends who can take it.
Funny idea for a tee shirt that came to me in a dream: A picture of a vulture eating lunch with words “Keep calm and carrion”
Why is it that when I hear the song Love Rollercoaster, I immediately think rollercoaster of blood? Eww eww eww
“Did you go to school to learn how to be such a tremendous asshole, or does it just come naturally for you.” When I taught Proofreading and Editing, I taught students that you use a period instead of a question mark at the end of a question that you really don’t want (or expect) an answer to. The previous sentence serves as a fitting example.
I’m a mental case baby. You can store your mental problems here.
The following needs to be made into an anime series: Kung fu Jesus and his kickass apostles. The following catch phrases should be employed: “It’s so convenient that the biggest assholes are all here in this church.” “The only holy trinity you need to concern yourself with is this (left fist), this (right fist), and this (kick to the groin).” “I came here to pray and kick ass, and I’m all done praying.”
Sometime during the pandemic, when scammers had way too much time on their hands, I became the victim of a sextortion scam, which is hilarious; I basically identify as an asexual. Anyway, these were some thoughts I had at the time on how to disturb a sextortionist: “Would you mind sending that video to me? I am dying of cancer, and my family doesn’t have many pictures of me, so I’m sure they would appreciate a copy of this to watch after I’m gone.” “Wow, last time I used that password was more than 10 years ago. I was like 100 pounds thinner then. Could you send me a copy? I’d like to masturbate to it.”
How to extort a vegan: “I’ve got this video of you eating steak.“ ⬅️ That would have been a more effective scam.
Tee shirt ideas: evolution represented in beards; pictures of recumbent bikes “get bent” Unhealthy impulse buys: (picture of candy bar, soda, and gun)
The dump is now closed. Hope you found it entertaining.
Hahahahaha! I love the vulture t-shirt idea. "Keep calm and carrion." Hehe.